Dear Future Children of Mine,

I promise that I will not give you stupid names that are really just other nouns disguised as a person name (like Apple, Virtue, Blanket, or Rumer) so that you can’t be made fun of for having a name that is also an object.

I won’t give you mixed-gender names. If you are a girl, your name will not be Michael, and if you are a boy I will not name you Kelly. When somebody reads your name, they will know if you are a boy or a girl. No room for ridicule.

Also, I won’t spell things in ridiculously weird ways that give you unnecessary stress while learning to spell in kindergarten and make substitute teachers call you strange things because they are dumb and cannot pronounce words.

On top of all of these things, I promise not to give you common names that get you mixed up with other kids and make it so you have to go by your first name and last initial throughout your entire life. And people will not think you are an 80-year-old person when you are really just a newborn when they read your name [no Gertie’s, Maude’s, Edwin’s, etc].

Basically, your names won’t suck. End of story. You’ll probably get made fun of enough without having a stupid name, because kids are jerks, so I won’t do anything to cause you more pain throughout your childhood/adolescence. Sound good? Good.

Love, me.

[sometimes I really can’t believe what people name their kids. I just came across a strangers’ blog, they have a new baby named Michael. Okay, cool! Except then I realized the whole name is “Michael Amelia”. What the heck?! Is that a boy or a girl?? Luckily they supplied pictures. Turns out it’s a girl.]